A perfect night in Lovetown (Melbourne) begins with...

Usually a gin and tonic; however if my stars are looking not quite as propitious as I would like, perhaps two or three. Then I might discuss the doings of the day with my beloved and brilliant conversation will fly between us, such as "Have you got the remote control?", "Curtis, get back in the bath" or perhaps "Did you fart?" Then we'll go out to a fabulous, fantastic show and have a wonderful, fabulous, fantastic time, return home, have a few last laughs and sleep the sleep of the innocent.

I have recently tried referring to the person I co-habit with as "Babe" but it seems to be meeting with some resistance.

In fourth year at secondary school, I finally summoned the courage to ask Jane Moir to the annual social; the taxi meter ticked over as I met her parents, little sisters etc inside. I crudely attached the corsage to her dress, we arrived at the dance, made our entrance, I was in seventh heaven...she then dumped me for the rest of the evening, went off and slow-danced with some other guy. Ten years later I turned on the telly and caught the whole Moir family as contestants on Family Feud. They lost!

I was, in fact, offfered free tickets to Jesus Christ Superstar and I knocked them back. Both my girlfriend and mother chastised me severely for refusing the free tickets. They claimed I was a traitor to popular culture.

It was The Benedict in Acland Street, St Kilda, until Donna and Dennis sold. So I guess it's The Excellent Cafe in Acland Street for atmosphere and swiss jam roll, or The Turtle cafe in Elwood for having the latest Tatler, Mode, Who, Arena etc or The Continental in Greville St, Prahran - damask tablecloths and off-duty members of Bachelors from Prague in waiter's guise.

Impossible question, as the only reason Jeff Kennett would be on public transport was if there were a photo opportunity and he had three or four television networks along for the ride.

I am strengthening a minuscule support base. I will be taking a little bit of Melbourne with me wherever I go so that greater Europe can experience that sense of disappointment that all long-time residents of Melbourne know so well.

When Love Comes Back to Haunt You, Blue Hour, Hell.